—— Don't expect me to cry for thee.
If you grew up going to the church every Sunday, you may be familiar with the song “I’ll Be a Sunbeam;” if you grew up listening to Nirvana’s songs, you may be more familiar with the parody version of this old Christian song, “Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for a Sunbeam.” The song was originally composed by The Vaselines and brought to a larger audience by Nirvana. In seven short years of Nirvana’s history, there had been many performances of songs by The Vaselines, who were the favorite songwriters of the lead singer of Nirvana, Kurt Cobain.
Nirvana (left to right): Kurt Cobain, Krist Novoselic, and Dave Grohl.
© Ed Sirrs/Retna Ltd.
Originally, “I’ll Be a Sunbeam” was written to teach children about loving Jesus. In the lyric, the line “I’ll be a sunbeam for Jesus” is repeated to emphasize that people should have gratitude towards Jesus and serve him with the best they have. It depicts a scene in which little kids are singing and dancing under the sunshine, “keep[ing] [their] heart from sin” and “reflecting [Jesus’s] goodness.” The whole lyric is reversed in “Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for a Sunbeam.” The parody version was called “Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam,” and later re-titled to “Jesus Doesn’t Want Me For a Sunbeam.”
One of the most memorable versions of this song is Nirvana’s legendary MTV Unplugged performance in 1993. It is hard to tell what Cobain was thinking when he was performing this song a few months before his death, on the stage which was decorated with lilies and black candles just like a funeral. As an iconic figure for the generation in the 90s, he questions the personal dedication towards God. Why should I be a sunbeam just because Jesus wants me to? and what will happen to those who do not believe? Cobain’s particular fondness towards The Vaselines and their music reflects his own rejection of taking religion as life guidance. Different from the original Christian version, the rendition openly states that one lives their life for no one else but themselves. In refusal of religious expectation, the lyric repeats, “Don’t expect me to cry/Don’t expect me to lie/Don’t expect me to die for thee.” Contrasting to traditional Christians, the songwriters refuse to change themselves into what they are not to accommodate the general public.
The two versions of the sunbeam song are singing for the completely opposite sides, the believer and disbeliever of Christianity. As the former is thought to be enlightened and saved by Jesus, the latter is remained in darkness and away from God’s blessing. In rejection of the conventional moral standard set by the Gospels, “Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for a Sunbeam” sings for all who do not align with the teachings of Jesus and encourage people to live according to their own will.